Do’s and Don’ts in conversation

Interview - discussion of this document

Do’s and Don’ts for Reaching People

Shifting Attitudes

When dealing with a highly conditioned person, you have to go out of your way not to trigger their fight-or-flight response or elicit strong resistance to what you have to say. In order to do so, you need to have a few attitude shifts on your own behalf and then follow certain do’s and don’ts that are listed below.

It may seem somewhat unfair for the burden to be on your shoulders to make these shifts and for you to connect. You might have every justification to be angry towards those who are not aware, but this will prevent you from getting through to them.

Many people have been conditioned since birth and will have trouble accepting what you have to say. Apologies can come later. Be gentle, be compassionate, and be as supportive as you can.

By following this principle of changing your approach in order to effect change in others, you give yourself the greatest chance of reaching people and changing the current trajectory to a positive outcome for the world from these events.

Establish a Clear Ccommunication Channel

This is much harder than it sounds and requires you to resolve and release the negative emotions you may feel towards the person/s you are speaking to / debating with.

Maybe you need to use certain modalities, such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to clear these emotions. This is one the author uses to clear his own resentment and anger towards those falling for the mainstream narrative. This is an ongoing process.

Avoid Being Evangelical

This is another mistake the author has made more times than can be counted and resulted in many a lost audience. If we are too forceful with our information dump and attitude, the person will shut down immediately. We all know the experience of having a Jehovah’s Witness at the door, not listening to a single word they say!

This same response will occur if you are too enthusiastic with your approach. Most people are not ready for new information, let alone that which will destroy how they see the world. It is the Santa story x1000.

Most of the damning conclusions a person will need to arrive at themselves. We can support this process with a gentle release of information (most of which will often be instigated by the person you are trying to reach).

We have observed that those that walk through the door will do this in their own time and the quest for truth is so innate in people (but suppressed) that they may collapse their own worldview in a short space of time.

Avoid Getting in the Ring (Oppositional Dynamics)

If you raise your fists metaphorically (attack), the other person will defend. By the same token, if you get defensive, the other person may attack you or your ideas. Stay neutral in your approach. You have information that can help the other person, but if they choose not to want it, that is their choice.

The most important principles will be challenging. This item is centered around the divide and conquer manipulation technique. This will be such a habit for most people you converse with that they will try to get you in the ring constantly for a fight. By getting in the ring, you cannot have most people entertain any new ideas.

The goal is not to get in the ring but to be in their corner, truly (which is much harder than it sounds), and can be like trying to tame a wild animal! If done successfully, the person will respond well. They often see us as an enemy and refuse to listen, but if you are clearly in their corner, they will feel this and the energy will shift substantially.

The author has experienced this many times recently by avoiding getting in the ring and found it very enlightening. For instance, when accused of “spreading falsehoods”, the author responded by replying, ‘this is always possible” and asked for the accuser to specify which falsehood the author had stated. This then led the accuser to try a different accusation, and the same response occurred. After a few turns back and forth, the accuser then asked if the author was proud of winning the debate to which the response was, “No, I am on your side and have no intention of winning anything but in having an open conversation.”

It is worth noting it is so important not to be patronising or belittling in any way. There really is no way of faking this, you have to be truly in their corner.

One very important point to make is that you need to adjust your language to remove all derogatory terms about those that have a low awareness of the real issues. References such as ‘sheep’ elicit a very negative response and create the scene for a conversation that will be a tit for tat of abuse.

If the person you are conversing with uses such terms in relation to your position such as ‘Covidiot’ or ‘Conspiracy Theorist’, it is essential not to take the bait. It is quite possible that ‘agent provocateurs’ have created these terms to enable division between the two parties.

Ghandi stated: “An eye for an eye and the whole world would be blind”.

Rising above this, whilst difficult, can lead to a ceasefire. Once the person returns to a rational state they may see how horrible the terms they used truly are.

Conversational Dos and Don’ts

A number of conversational principles have been identified which when followed will greatly enhance your chance of reaching people and will really help avoid arguments.

Honour Their Experience

This is another very challenging yet essential one. To honour something that we feel is incorrect and unwarranted really tests the boundaries of our compassion. There is a way to establish this without compromising our values. If someone is experiencing fear, you can honour that which they are experiencing (i.e. ‘fear’) without giving value to that which they are fearing.

The fear and other emotions which people are feeling are very real to them. If you do not honour these, you will be resented and attacked. You will inevitably receive a fair amount of attack even when you follow the principles and, whilst unfair, may be part of the process of reaching people. As the author practices the principles more, there are fewer attacks on his character.

Stay Within the Story

To those indoctrinated in a certain narrative, any data outside of that story will be met with the usual ‘conspiracy theory’ response. The subject is not part of the person’s reality. The script – provided by the media and government – allows the person to avoid addressing an uncomfortable subject or to question it with an angry response. The intention is to shut down debate.

Until the person is ready to go off-piste any discussion around population control or other such subjects will have the effect of shutting down the mind further.

Don’t Use Blacklisted References (People or Subjects)

If you use a reference which the media have managed to blacklist successfully, you will receive a message back with a Wiki reference calling the person a conspiracy blah blah. The person will likely have a smug look on their face as if they won a conversation. By avoiding contentious authors, at least initially, you will help avoid this issue.

Be Aware of Common Ground and Difference in Opinions

This is a key concept in having a productive conversation. There will be a discrepancy between our knowledge and that of the other person. For instance, if we structured knowledge in a hierarchy of level of difficulty to accept, it would be wise to start with the least difficult to accept. People really struggle with any world-wide conspiracies but are happy to accept business corruption.

It is also important to understand ‘The Curse of Knowledge’. It’s easy to over-estimate hugely how our ideas will be understood by another when we are speaking to them. You must lay out your concepts and information simplistically and not assume that they have prior knowledge of these.

Respect a Person’s Dignity

Donna Hicks has done incredible work on getting people in conflict to debate openly. She has identified 10 elements of dignity and how, if they are violated, a person will respond negatively or even aggressively towards us. By respecting these elements, you create an open space to discuss ideas. You can decide that these may be givens that need to be present in any good conversation.

The 10 elements of dignity

Everybody wants:

their identity accepted.
recognition for their unique qualities and way of life.
to be acknowledged when something bad happens to them.
safety (physical and psychological).
to be free from humiliation.
to be included.
to be understood.
to be treated fairly.
to be given the benefit of the doubt.

10. to receive an apology when someone does them wrong.

Do Not Push Against Beliefs

“I have yet to meet in my life someone who allowed a fact to overwhelm a belief” (Dr David Martin)

This is an important quote which shows that when we try to challenge someone’s beliefs with a load of information / facts, it will usually just bang against their belief system, much in the same way a fly bangs into a window.

The conscious mind is resisting the new information, as it contradicts a current belief held. Often, these beliefs are falsely inserted via conditioning with false information. You can help the process of updating the belief greatly by skilfully asking questions so the person can see the belief is based on false information OR by telling stories that update the information on which the belief is built.

Do not challenge the belief itself or use sentences such as ‘that is not true’ or ‘you are wrong’ as it will only get into a debate of ‘he said, she said’.

Optimal Way to Deliver Information

It’s no coincidence that most people get their information through news stories. Since the dawn of time, people have passed information from one generation to the next through stories and metaphors, including the imparting of morals and values to the next generation. The brain is literally structured to absorb information in this way.

Your use of stories and metaphors will reduce resistance from the conscious mind and also provide a more entertaining way to absorb information more easily.

People Arrive at Their Own Conclusions

It has been the author’s experience that telling people one’s conclusions rarely works, since they do not yet have the information you have on which your reasoning is based. Once you have navigated the obstacle of a person’s conditioning and have them realise new information, they will arrive at their own conclusions. This is far more powerful.

Do Not Tell Someone They Are Wrong

This will inevitably get a person’s back up and put them on the defensive. There is no need for this. The person will come to realise this if your approach follows all the principles and is respectful. This is a tough realisation and your response should be to help the person deal with this and not to create any further stress with ‘I told you so’.

Do Not Gas Light

Avoid at all costs emotionally manipulating the person. The government has done a great job of this and each of us needs care and understanding, not further guilt trips or any other such emotional gas lighting.

The Idea is the Enemy, Not the Person

It is important to see a distinction between the person and the faulty idea. Good people can do bad things if they have a bad idea. Once you can separate the person from the idea, they are free of it. See the person as a friend and the idea as the enemy.

Often No Need for Our Opinions

There is often no need for us to express our opinions. You can stick to facts quoted by experts and other such information. This can allow you to bypass the authority conditioning to which the person is likely vulnerable.

Be Gentle and Kind

Being in the other person’s corner is so important and being kind will really help them feel this. Being gentle and kind should be the basis of communication from one person to another. Reminding ourselves of this can really help communication.

Be Humble

This is key when it comes to the point where they either realise cognitive dissonance or know they have been misled. There will be lots of uncomfortable emotions for them. By being humble and supportive you do not add to this stress but help reduce it. We are essentially advising you not to rub their noses in it or use terms such as ‘I told you so’.

Know Your Audience

If you invited someone round for dinner you might check what preferences of food they had, mightn’t you? This is a similar concept. Know what topics and items will be good for discussion and which items are not wise to discuss.

Practice Listening

“If you are speaking more than them, you are probably doing it wrong”. (Larkin Rose, Candles in the Dark)

By listening we can connect better and also understand how the subjects are affecting the person we are speaking with. This allows better understanding of where their knowledge might not be accurate.

Give Space for Silence

There will be times when silence is needed, especially if the other person is thinking. Our goal is not to win but to help share important knowledge. When the person is deep in thought or better still saying, “I need to think about this”, allow them silence. Be aware of how they are.

Know When to Stop or Pause

There are natural conclusions of conversations. When the host starts hoovering, it is probably time to leave the party. If you respect each of the dos and don’ts, it is likely you will have a good connection and be welcome back.

Follow Up

If it is appropriate, ask them if they would like further reading or offer to speak to them in future.

Don’t Return the Dignity Violation

There may be times when you have followed all the above and the other person is still rude or obnoxious. In this case, don’t return the dignity violation; leave them to be the only one to be rude. Often, later they will calm down and apologise. Again, as Ghandi said, “An eye for an eye and the whole world will be blind”.

Further Resources

To help you reach people effectively, visit https://reachingpeople.net. Here you can download and share this document, access a step-by-step guide and find details of weekly interactive sessions on distilling sharable content, unpacking the psychology and mindset strategies outlined here and optimising your emotional and energetic state for effective communications and wellbeing.